Where did our ordinary life gets it’s name?
I turned 30 this year, hard to believe but so very true. I remember when I was nine I would sit and wonder what my life would be like at 30.
See I am a Foster Child, I aged out of the system at 18 and was completely on my own. Instead of a baby book I had a file that detailed my entire life with court rulings and signed documents. I was one of those foster children burdened with fear and anger, but mostly hurt. Soul crushing hurt. Where were my parents, why didn’t they love me? Where were my siblings why were they so far away? Why was I alone? What was wrong with me to get me to this place? Always labeled as a problem but never anyone’s problem.
See I was never ordinary and I knew it.
When I started college at 19 I wanted nothing more than to be a social worker. See in 2002 I was placed in a state run shelter in Oklahoma. It was more like a glorified prison, located right next to the courthouse it probably at one time was one. I had everything taken from me, what was left in my bag was all I had. It was Christmas day and we had a lot of people coming in and out. A group of school kids brought us all presents and for what seemed like hours we sang songs and mingled with ordinary kids. Soon they had all left and we were there alone again, the older kids were separated from the younger ones but I so badly wanted to stay with the little kids. See they were crying “where are my parents, why don’t they love me?” and all I wanted to do was sit there and hold them, saying it will be okay. The guards came and forced us all into our rooms, concrete walls, stiff beds, cold sheets. I could hear them crying, why doesn’t anyone just hold them? I cried too until we finally all fell asleep.
When I was 19 I met my husband, a wild child I was. A nomad of sorts I found myself far from where I had ever been before. I remember when my now husband asked me “So have you ever thought about college?”. College isn’t for me, I had been told throughout my life that kids like me don’t go to college. I never thought it was possible but he said oh no, you can do this.
He’s right though I went to college, my dream wasn’t to just be an ordinary social worker. I wanted to be the kind that sat there on Christmas and held a child. My dream was to be the kind of social worker that really made a difference, that spoke up for their children and who fought just as hard as they do for their lives.
I found myself expecting a baby and when I was 20 my first child was born. To say that Kaila changed my life is an understatement, she changed our life. I knew that I would never be alone again and that she would never cry herself to sleep because she will always know just how much she’s loved by her parents. It was only then did I ever feel ordinary, the joy of motherhood is this what my mother felt? My husband and I would just sit and watch our newborn as her breath drawled up and down through her chest and we would cry with happiness. How could I ever love something this much? Will she love me? Please don’t mess this one up, Kristin I would tell myself.
I always had wanted to be ordinary and at that very moment I felt it.
I have always been a writer. Silently the words sit in my head and stream on paper and I can say all the things I don’t have enough courage to say outloud. My husband is extremely smart, he’s always been a technical guy. He showed me how to use his computer and search the internet. His family was so full of love and support for us. Christmas that year I remember looking around the room at his Grandmother and Aunts wishing I could be ordinary and have a family like theirs. They said, go to college, don’t give up on your dreams.
So I started writing, writing for peace, for courage, hoping that one day all the things inside would come out in words.
My life has never been ordinary but this is where our ordinary life begins.