My friend Hanan wrote this post, that I read last night before heading off to bed. You know how sometimes you’re not expecting to feel something and then all of a sudden your present is jolted with the gut wrenching reality of your past. Then your heart breaks with happiness and sadness all at once because how you felt comes rushing back all of a sudden. Well, that was me..
The guilt of a mother is something that I think we all live with. I probably feel most guilty about my oldest kiddo. I’ve made so many mistakes with her and still she’s such a smart, kind, and creative child. She has never let her differences stop her from growing. She has made me a better mother, a better friend, and a better person.
You know how they say your children can teach you things? Well – Kaila has taught me so many things. She has taught me loyalty and compassion, she has made me become more humble and notice things I never did prior. She has taught me that now matter how badly I feel like giving up that if you try harder and try your best no matter what you will grow. That changes happen in just a moment of time and you have to stop and see it. She has taught me that on the days I feel like I’m failing most as a mother – I am not. For I created her, and she really is such an awesome kid. I joke about not knowing how she’s mine – how big her heart is – how smart she is. And then I look at my husband who is incredibly intelligent and then my heart breaks with love and I know exactly where her big heart came from – me.
Now that Kaila is getting older I don’t often write about her – but I want her to read these words one day when I’m gone and know how proud I am of her. Know that I appreciate her for who she is. I have always said I want my children to know how I feel about them at every stage of their life.
Right now I just want Kaila to know that I know she’s growing up and that I am incredibly proud to be her mother.
So much so that my heart breaks with love and I’m once again reminded that sometimes your heart can break with love and guilt, but most of all….love.