A dear sweet friend of mine Elizabeth is working on making change. This post comes strictly form my heart in hopes that one day it may help someone else. Even in the smallest of ways.
My mother had it rough. Five kids all almost after one another, with a man who wasn’t around. My dad was a good guy, at heart he just made bad choices. Selfish ones. I was 18 months when I was placed in foster care.
This letter was in my file. I should take a picture of it for you. My entire life was in a sense blogged. Logged on paperwork and stuck in a file. When I was 19 I got a hold of this file, I was surprised at the details it revealed. This letter was written by my father on Januray 11, 1987. I was not even two years old. It looks like it more of less came from his then wife Laurie, by the writing. These are the sweet memories my file had. Letters and notes taken by my social workers over time telling the story of my life. My file is 4 inches thick, and I still have every piece.
My siblings and I have always been separated. It was Amanda and I who stayed together. As a child I had separation anxiety, but who could blame me. Amanda wasn’t able to spend the night with her friends. I remember the first time she did. It was to her friend Joclyn’s house I cried at the stairs of my aunt and uncle’s room. Begging that they bring her home. I did eventually pass out, but I remember feeling so scared. So alone.
That’s how foster child feel ya know? Alone. I was one of the lucky ones. To this day I think the Lord had plans for me. I can only imagine the person I would be hadn’t I had been raised the way I was. My aunt and uncle didn’t have an easy time. We went to live with them when I was three. They tried to keep us all but couldn’t. So they decided not to separate Amanda and I again. We both brought with us a lot of hurt, and a lot of pain.
It was hard growing up. I remember my dad came to visit when I was in second grade. All day I would daydream about what it would be like to have a happy normal family. All of us together. For me then all I 
wanted was a mommy and daddy. My other siblings went to live with other family members, somehow my brothers ended up with my biological mom. (That’s a whole other story. It’s their story to tell)
When I was ten my dad showed back up. Once again I had secret daydreams about him building us a house. We’d all be together again. It would be perfect. In the short time he lived in our home I treated him like dirt. It was all the hurt. I just wanted him to stay, to come and get us like he said he would.
On October 2, 1995 my father died in our home. We had just gotten back form school, I sent Amanda to go find him.
I once again was left feeling alone. Abandoned, except this time there were no daydreams. That all ended that afternoon.
When I was 16 I was sent back to Oklahoma. My aunt and uncle couldn’t take it. I was self destructing fast! I was placed into a shelter. Have you ever seen a city shelter for foster kids? No, probably not. It was right next to the courthouse. I remember that. The same judge who had my case my entire life was standing before me. If I messed up this was it. I was doomed to be lost in the system.
That shelter broke my spirit. I was there during Christmas, and I remember the “normal kids” came. They had all bought us presents. During this time we were able to hang with the little kids. There were more of them then us older teens. They kept us separated although we could see their tv area from ours. I remember this little black girl. She kept trying to cuddle up to one of the staff. She kept pushing her away. I saw this happen so many times, and my heart broke for her. This little girl, she had no mommy or no daddy. She had only wanted to cuddle, and on Christmas no less. This broke my spirit, the system was shattered.
I was never supposed to make it. The fact that I am even stable enough to have a computer amazes me. I never thought I was going to go to college. I never thought it was possible without parents.
I am one of 13 percent of kids who age out of foster care and make it to college. The State of California stood up and offered me $5,000 grant a year until I turned 23. They also helped with checks to Target to buy my first home supplies. I had to search for these things. I demanded help. Most foster children don’t have anyone to turn to. They don’t even have the resources to seek help. Please if you are a foster child look into the Chafee Grant for college. If you need help please take the time and email me. If I can help YOU in any way, please let me know.
I was one of the lucky ones…
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Looking at your post and seeing this picture is amazing. You have become such an incredible strong person. (FYI-I think you have your Dad's eyes.) No matter what He will still be your Dad even though he was far from perfect.
You were a lucky one, but I really don't believe in luck. I believe in heart, and I believe in being prepared. I believe in desire, and I believe that your story can make a difference. Love Ya Kristen. You amaze me more every day!
You're an amazing, strong, fabulous, well rounded, awesome mother, wonderful friend and fierce woman. I'm proud to call you my friend, and though it wasn't perfect, it did make you the woman that you are today.
Wow Kristin, I am so sorry to hear all of that. I wasn't a foster child, but I was in a similar situation, with parents who just didn't care and left me to take care of the other kids. I think you must have a lot of strength to be able to tell this story, strength that I would never have to tell mine, except for those closest and dearest to my heart. I hope that you find the answers you're looking for, find yourself and find peace through this all.
Oh my Kristin! I want to give you a big hug, as I'm bawling my eyes out. You are so strong, and smart, and you are a great Mom as well. I know you are going to make a difference in someone's life with this post, and I'm glad you were transparent in sharing your story.. Love you!
Wow…just wow. I can't even imagine what your life must have been like – I was one of the "normal" kids I guess. I feel so sorry for the kids in the foster system, and the little girl who kept getting pushed away just breaks my heart. How could someone do that to a child?
You have grown to be an amazing mother and your children will definitely know love and family.
It is so nice of you to offer help to others…
Kristin, all of your experiences have brought you to this point in life. And what a wonderful place you're in!! The hardships and struggles made you that much stronger. God wouldn't have had you experience it if you couldn't handle it.
After reading that I can honestly say what a strong, smart, amazing woman you are. I hope that sharing your story helps others.
Wow sis, very well written. YOu have some amazing friends on here and I hope that opening up and sharing your story will help you throughout this journey. We have all have choices and you chose be stronger and smarter. I am so proud of you and I lover you so very much*Muah*
Kristin, I can express how admirable you are. I knew a little about your childhood from previous posts, and I'm always amazed at what you've accomplished, not just for a girl who made it through foster care, but as any person. I just want to give you a big hug and tell you that you're doing great things with your life and with your family. Bless you.
Oops, that third word above is "can't", not "can".
Thanks for sharing your story, you are an inspiration for sure.
Inspiring, you are certainly living life 365.
peace,
mike
livelife365
wow Kristin. I have almost no words for you. I was adopted at 2 and a half and before that I was in 6 foster homes in 2 years. Not to mention, back and forth with my mother. I knew her. I told my adoptive parents they weren't my parents, I wouldn't listen. I still have a hard time trusting.
Thanks for sharing your story. It is encouraging to know that there are people who make it, but it is so sad that most are left to flounder.
I heard a radio story on NPR where they followed some recent "graduates" of foster care, and they just had nowhere to go, and no one to encourage them to stay the course.
Thanks for sharing this story Kristin. I know it was hard for you to do. ♥ Smiles and hugs ♥
Thanks for sharing your story Kristen. While it does bring tears to my eyes as I read it… I know your words of encouragement will help others. ((HUGS))
Thank you…. coming from a foster home, an adopted family and self destructing just as fast as you mentioned.. I remember.
Trust issues, abandonment fears and to this day, those thoughts still linger.
You made it out… you are safe, and your daughters are so lucky to have you as their Mommy.
Love, family and children take on a whole new meaning when you hold it for the first time.
What an amazing story, and how awesome that you posted it. My heart has always reached out for children without a home; how wonderful that you are offering advice on how to get help for those who might need it. Kudos to you, a million times over.
I spent 3 months in a hell hole of a foster home due to my spinning down hill in my teens. It was judge ordered after my mother told the courts she couldn't handle me any longer. I couldn't imagine going through what you did knowing I only had a small taste.
Thanks much for that well written post.
I was a previous foster child. I would like to interview you, and see what you think it takes to survive being a foster child. please get back
Amazing, and heart breaking. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing your inspiring story.
HI,
I love that you put your story out there for everyone to see. This will truly help someone and I hope they are able to find it. I really hate that the system puts children through this type of (what I call abuse.) Children not only NEED shelter and food but they NEED love and support which so many do not get.
I am not a product of the system but can’t seem to have children and Hubby and I would love to adopt but the amount of money it takes it ridiculous and we can’t afford it. I hope to be able to save several children from the system one day soon. We have finally reached the point in both of our lives that we both agree it happens for a reason and we are supposed to adopt.
I love that you are one of the 13% and hope to help others with the information that you provided in the link.
Thanks Again for your story.
Thanks for sharing. I am glad your troubles turned to success. I hope to get my Master’s in Social Work soon and help place children into loving homes so they can have the opportunity to succeed.
Thanks for sharing your story. Peace, Love & Light,
Lissa
Gosh, this just makes me bawl dammit!
Yes we are the lucky ones.
There is one thing I can feel within me though. I’m separated. It’s like I don’t feel fully connected to anyone or anything. I dont know how to explain it.
You’ve come a long way girl. Keep fighting strong.